Saturday, November 9, 2013


I'm learning trauma doesn't just go away. I've had two friends who I have felt seriously concerned for: one who struggled with self-injury, and the other who ultimately committed suicide.

I recently had a friend who got really sick, and needed to be hospitalized. The family asked for privacy regarding the whole thing. As I didn't have the details, my heart jumped into my throat, and I began to panic. I began to talk myself through it...
What happened?
I can't believe I didn't know.
Are they okay?
No, they're not okay.
Did the family say what happened?

My brain was racing. A mile a minute, and I couldn't stop the impending grief, panic and deep fear. I wanted to respect the privacy, as well as call on the phone and demand answers.

I realized that I relived Rachelle's death in so many ways that night. I relived someone telling me, learning the few facts there were, and then needing to be patient and wait to see what had happened.

Thankfully, this friend is fine and continues to heal. My wounds, however, are more and more subtle than I believe. Lord, have deep mercy and grace in letting me recognize you in the middle of the continued trauma and grief.

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