Monday, November 25, 2013

Again and Again.

Someone shared with me that a family member was recently hospitalized for self-injury and was put on suicide watch. They shared how they were upset that family hadn't told her earlier what was happening so she could at least pray.

My heart broke. It's so hard to hear about the grief, anxiety, and deep sadness that falls on us all when we learn of someone who is struggling so deeply.

I am grateful for the loss of Rachelle. Since losing her, I feel a deeper sense of compassion both for those who need love, compassion and friendship... as well as those who love them and are struggling to offer the best they can, often not knowing how to help.

I am grateful for a heart that has been broken, and that will break again and again as I continue to love.

Saturday, November 9, 2013


I'm learning trauma doesn't just go away. I've had two friends who I have felt seriously concerned for: one who struggled with self-injury, and the other who ultimately committed suicide.

I recently had a friend who got really sick, and needed to be hospitalized. The family asked for privacy regarding the whole thing. As I didn't have the details, my heart jumped into my throat, and I began to panic. I began to talk myself through it...
What happened?
I can't believe I didn't know.
Are they okay?
No, they're not okay.
Did the family say what happened?

My brain was racing. A mile a minute, and I couldn't stop the impending grief, panic and deep fear. I wanted to respect the privacy, as well as call on the phone and demand answers.

I realized that I relived Rachelle's death in so many ways that night. I relived someone telling me, learning the few facts there were, and then needing to be patient and wait to see what had happened.

Thankfully, this friend is fine and continues to heal. My wounds, however, are more and more subtle than I believe. Lord, have deep mercy and grace in letting me recognize you in the middle of the continued trauma and grief.