happy birthday to me!

I missed you a lot today. You always made a big deal of my birthday. You drove 40 minutes to make it to my birthday, made sure I got what I wanted for dinner, and hugged me a lot.

You would have reminded me that they day was about ME.
Reminded me that everyone loved me, that's why they wanted to hang out with me.
You would have wolf-whistled at me so many times that I blushed.
You would have made sure we sang 'happy birthday' at church.
You would have yelled something ridiculous at some point today.
You would have given me that special smile that reminded me that I am super special to you.

I miss you. I miss the way you smile, the way you laugh, the way you always made it on the dance floor with me. You would have been with me ALL day long, from waking up to church to lunch to dinner to cleaning up.

I miss your face. Your voice. Your generosity and care for me. I miss holding your hand. Making faces at you from across the room.


And yet... I am grateful for memories of the day of our baptism. We baptized two little ones at church today, and as I remembered my own baptism... there you were in the memory. Holding my hand as we prayed, smiling at me as we all jumped in the pool after singing a couple songs. Your joy. Oh, your joy on that day.

Hok

On a cold night Rachelle, Sarah and I went to the "Will you B here?" Show at UCLA's Royce Hall. We'd engaged all day with the epidemic of Hepatitis B, and learned how Asian Americans are more prone to contract the disease.

It'd been a hard day, but a great one. Rachelle had often come with me to Latino events, learned more about Mexican culture, and understood my love of everything Native American. That day, I spent learning about something that was incredibly important to her. We'd been through displays, awareness videos... more than anything, I was glad to be spending so much time with her.

We scored tickets to the culmination of the campaign, where lots of Asian American artists brought their talents of dancing, singing, and musicality to the stage. We were delighted by the likes of Joseph Vincent, Clara Chung, Quest Crew, and others. It was a night when I knew I was experiencing something amazing.

At the end of the night, we were walking toward the dorms. I'd mentioned to Rachelle how much I love Hok from Quest Crew... without missing a beat she said, "Then let's wait out here for him!" She had this look in her eye, letting me know we weren't going anywhere until Hok came out. She also knew how much Sarah loved Clara Chung, so it just made sense to stay.

We stayed by the back door of Royce, waiting in the cold, and giggling as we made eye contact with each other. We were really those girls waiting outside the building for these artists we were slightly fond of. 

Rachelle asked the security guard if he knew of Quest's whereabouts. He let us know they were packing up their stuff and were making their way out. As soon as Hok made it to the back door Rachelle yells, "HOK TOKONOSHI! MY FRIEND SOL THINKS YOU'RE AMAZING, AND WANTS TO HUG YOU!"

Uhh....thanks, Rachelle! I was embarrassed but still smiling like a fool. It was really Hok! I introduced myself like the starstruck fool I was, and he leaned in and gave me a hug! AAHHH. I then asked if we could take a photo. He graciously accepted. 

There's no way around it, I miss this girl. She inspired me to live my dreams, to stay in a strategic location to meet folks I love and am slightly intimidated by. She made a dream come true by being her crazy, stubborn Rachelle self.

And for that, I am grateful.  

Again and Again.

Someone shared with me that a family member was recently hospitalized for self-injury and was put on suicide watch. They shared how they were upset that family hadn't told her earlier what was happening so she could at least pray.

My heart broke. It's so hard to hear about the grief, anxiety, and deep sadness that falls on us all when we learn of someone who is struggling so deeply.

I am grateful for the loss of Rachelle. Since losing her, I feel a deeper sense of compassion both for those who need love, compassion and friendship... as well as those who love them and are struggling to offer the best they can, often not knowing how to help.

I am grateful for a heart that has been broken, and that will break again and again as I continue to love.

Trauma

I'm learning trauma doesn't just go away. I've had two friends who I have felt seriously concerned for: one who struggled with self-injury, and the other who ultimately committed suicide.

I recently had a friend who got really sick, and needed to be hospitalized. The family asked for privacy regarding the whole thing. As I didn't have the details, my heart jumped into my throat, and I began to panic. I began to talk myself through it...

What happened?

I can't believe I didn't know.

Are they okay?

No, they're not okay.

Did the family say what happened?

My brain was racing. A mile a minute, and I couldn't stop the impending grief, panic and deep fear. I wanted to respect the privacy, as well as call on the phone and demand answers.

I realized that I relived Rachelle's death in so many ways that night. I relived someone telling me, learning the few facts there were, and then needing to be patient and wait to see what had happened.

Thankfully, this friend is fine and continues to heal. My wounds, however, are more and more subtle than I believe. Lord, have deep mercy and grace in letting me recognize you in the middle of the continued trauma and grief.

Beauty and the Beast

Sometimes when I'm on Facebook, I see Rachelle's name out of the corner of my eye and then I hunt for where her name actually is.

Tonight it was because she liked "Beauty and the Beast". Haha.

I imagined us singing "Belle's Song" at the top of our lungs. And yelling warnings to Belle regarding Gaston.

I don't think we ever talked about Beauty and the Beast, and how it was our favorite. Thankfully, I have a bunch of other random/silly/ridiculous memories of that girl.

Like photobombing this really cute photo...

Singing.

Some days I find myself asking the question, "Why?". Sunday, I sat in the front pew of our church with the bread and juice, my heart silently pleading... why? Sunday service tends to touch a tender place in my heart regarding grief. The place where I come to know and understand Jesus, and be with a community I love.

To this day, I find it hard to sing the latter part of the Doxology. The words get caught in my throat, and tears quickly form in my eyes. I become a hot mess. I think of my friend, Evelyn, who lost her little sister, Christiana, a few years ago. I remember sitting with her at a conference years ago, as she realized that Christiana was in heaven declaring God's holiness in heaven. I didn't understand the deep significance of it at the time.

I sing the Doxology with tears streaming down my face, my voice cracking pretty badly... yet I choose to work through the awkward and painful to declare God's goodness that Rachelle is singing and worshipping Jesus.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

Praise Him all creatures here below

Praise Him above ye Heavenly host

Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Amen.

Opening Up.

The last week of July that quickly bled into August was when I found myself in San Francisco. The week before SF, I found myself groaning while speaking with my best friend over the phone. I was slightly dreading going to San Francisco and investing in that place. In previous mission trips, I'd fallen deeply in love with Fresno and St. Louis. I mean, when you choose to raise money to go to a place, and to see the places people avoid and choose to open your eyes and heart to see the beauty there...well, you're kind of a goner.

I dreaded going to San Francisco, and falling in love with The City. I dreaded opening myself up to another city when I didn't know the longevity of my stay or impact. However, with six high schoolers, it's difficult to not be excited when visiting the City and what adventures we might find ourselves in. I braced myself for a difficult yet joyous week, committing that I'd never wanted to visit a city where I wouldn't be present to its realities.

Not surprisingly, I met some great families, communities, and had my heart stolen by a 6 year-old named, Bailey. Within the first 24 hours, I was cursing my soft heart that is so ready to love people, and empathize with their lives. It hurt to love someone so much in the span of a couple hours and have to say goodbye.

I've sometimes wondered about cutting off meeting new people and making new friends in light of Rachelle's death. It was easy loving Rachelle, but it's been one of the most miserable parts of my existence to lose her.

I seriously think about it for a bit, and let myself grieve deeply for what I've lost. Good friends are hard to find and keep, never mind losing them. Under any circumstances. I breathe deep, reminding myself that life is to be fought for, that people and friendship and love are to be fought for. It's not about me, it's about us and how we learn about God, hope, and joy... through each other.